(CLICK WHAT"S BELOW THI DO IT!!1
where every day is a surprise party!
but the surprise is, it's being hosted by THE WOLFMAN
(THAT'S A BAD THING FELLAS, THE WOLFMAN IS A BAD GUY. I MEAN HIS DAD FUCKED A WOLF, HE DOESN'T HAVE GOOD GENES. ALSO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH GENE SISKEL. IS HE DEAD. IS THAT THE DEAL WITH GENE SISKEL. DID EBERT EAT HIM. I BET NO ONE'S MADE THAT JOKE BEFORE. I HOPE EBERT ATE ANYONE WHO HAS MADE THAT JOKE. IT WOULD BE POETIC JUSTICE. ESPECIALLY IF EBERT WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT. HE'S A PRETTY GOOD POET . I THINK MOVIE REVIEWS WILL BE THE ARTISTIC LEGACY OUR TIME LEAVES TO THE FUTURE. AND PORN. AND "CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2." THEY'RE CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN -- AGAIN! I WOULD HAVE PUT "AGAIN" IN ITALICS BUT I'M ALREADY IN ITALICS. I ALSO WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED CAPITALIZING IT, I DON'T KNOW IF I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE, BUT I'M ALREADY CAPITALIZING EVERYTHING. I DON'T HAVE CAPS LOCKS ON, I'M JUST HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY. IT'S BECAUSE I'M ANGRY. ALSO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH WOLVES. DO BOYS CRY THEM OR WHAT. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS. "I'M GOING TO CLIP YOU!!" WHAT KIND OF A TEAM NAME IS THAT, REALLY. LOS ANGELES. WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF. IN LOS ANGELES. I JUST REALIZED THAT IF THE ANGELS OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ACHIEVE THEIR GOAL AND ARE SIMPLY KNOWN AS THE "LOS ANGELES ANGELS," THEIR TEAM NAME IS BASICALLY "THE ANGELS ANGELS." THAT'S RETARDED. I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK THAT I'M PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS CAUSE THIS IS THE FRONT PAGE AND THINK THIS IS LIKE THE BEST OF WHAT I DO. IT'S PRETTY WELL REPRESENTATIVE I THINK IN GENERAL. EXCEPT INSIDE, IT'S EVEN MORE CAPPED LOCKED. SO IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, YOU WILL PROBABLY BE INTERESTED IN READING ON. IF YOU DIDN'T, THEN IT WOULD BE FOOLISH TO OFFER YOU ADVICE, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE READING THIS. BUT I WILL ANYWAY, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU NEED ADVICE, AND I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF I DIDN'T GIVE IT. SO THIS IS ONLY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO STOPPED READING, THOSE OF YOU WHO STILL ARE READING, PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING ADVICE. ADVICEMENT TOPIC #1: DON'T SNATCH PEOPLES EYEGLASSES OFF THEIR FACE AND SNAP THEM INTO TWINE, NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS. WITHOUT THEIR PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS GLASSES, THEY WOULD HAVE TO DO EYE-EXERCISES TO GET THEIR EYES IN SHAPE (NO PUN INTENDED). ADVICEMENT TOPIC #2: CONSIDER NOT USING THE WORD TWINE FOR TWO, EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE HEARD IT SOMEWHERE IN OLDE' ENGLISH. YOU MAY HAVE, YOU MAY NOT HAVE, BUT EITHER WAY, IT WILL JUST CONFUSE AND ANGER PEOPLE IN TODAY'S MODERN WORLD. ADVICEMENT TOPIC #3: SAY THAT THERE WAS NO PUN INTENDED IN AS MANY SITUATIONS AS POSSIBLE, INCLUDING ONES WHERE IT IS OBVIOUS NO PUN WAS INTENDED, BECAUSE NO PUN APPLIES. SOME PEOPLE NEED EXTRA CLARIFICATION, AND IT'S WOULD BE A MISTAKE TO EXCLUDE THESE PEOPLE FROM ENJOYING YOUR MUSINGS. ADVICEMENT TOPIC #4: THERE ARE ONLY FOUR ADVICEMENT TOPICS. AND ONE OF THEM IS JUST A STATEMENT ON HOW MANY ADVICEMENT TOPICS THERE ARE.
I HOPE THIS PROVED HELPFUL IN CURING YOUR DISEASED LIVERS. AND YES, WE WEREN'T SURE HOW TO BREAK IT TO YOU BEFORE, BUT YOUR LIVERS ARE DISEASED. ALL OF THEM. AND APPARENTLY YOU ARE READING THIS, UNKNOWINGLY, AS A REMEDY TOWARDS CURING THEM. THIS WAS AN UNWISE MOVE, AND IS MAKING YOUR LIVERS CRY [PERHAPS TEARS OF JOY?? NO, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S TEARS OF SADNESS].)
Please do not come here and expect to be barraged with laughter-inducing comments*, or with boring minutia of my every day life**, or to have your penis grow 2-3 inches WITHIN WEEKS***. This is not really a comedy website. Nor is it a blog****. Nor does it (regularly) advertise penis supplements. This is simply a small page hosted by it's host, me, with the ultimate goal of gaining the Food Network's Mario Batali's readership, so that one day we could meet, and cake a pie together, and laugh about Bloody Mary, the ghost-woman who haunts both of our dreams. She will then appear in the pie and probably consume our souls. The irony will escape us, just like our spirits, which will transcend our bodies with surprisingly little resistance.
*-Such comments, while very common on this Web-Page, will never be presented in a barraging form. It's too dangerous and I've seen too many good men get hurt.
**- In fact, if I do bring up my every-day-life, it is quite likely I will refer to boring minutia. I apologize. Not so much as for the boring minutia, but for lying in such a direct manner in the previous paragraph. I especially feel regret as it was so pointless, seeing as how I would recant from my dishonest position so quickly.
***-Unfortunately, most studies done on long term readers find that penis size actually reduces 1-2 inches (23-29 cm).
****-Actually, this was also a lie. It is pretty much a blog. I am sorry, I will understand if you leave now.
Do not tell your friends about this page. They will lose respect for you (although it is likely that you're friends already don't respect you, and even more likely that you, in fact, do not have any friends).
Honestly, if you are viewing this page, you are probably a friend of mine, or a friend of a friend of mine, or an egotistical Mario Batali, who maniacally spends his days browsing the Internets searching for mention of his name. You may find information amusing to you. You may also find information useful in one day blackmailing me when I attempt to become some sort of Political Figure and try to leave my dark past behind. You may also find some sentences hard to read, due to lax rules on grammar. You may also find that I do not know how to use the word "lax" correctly, even if I understand basically what it means, which really should be good enough, I think. You may also find Blackbeard's treasure. This is unlikely, as I have looked. There is no treasure here. Only dust and sorrow. And rabies.
I AM GOING TO STOP WRITING NOW, I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU
STOP READING CONCURRENTLY. YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED OTHERWISE.
(Seriously, you might have just gotten rabies. Go get a shot or something.)